Trying a journal approach to blogging about cancer...

Friday October 8th

Seemingly overwhelming support in the immediate reactions to the last post for a diary / journal format. I wonder if I am able to be that conscientious? I guess we will find out, I have banged on about how much I like the format for a while.

Shadow Cabinet seems to have caught the commentators out, at least as far as the Alan Johnson decision is concerned. Once you accept that one, the decisions on Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper make sense although I did laugh at the family implications of a married couple getting the home and foreign office briefs. Talk about home and away. My other thought was that they both get to keep their powder dry in the Shadow Cabinet on cuts, ready to take the Chancellorship in a future government. Alan Johnson taking the fire through to his retirement and taking it for "the team" is one way of looking at it, taking a slightly Machiavellian viewpoint. Alan does appear, on the face of it, underqualified. Osborne, on the other hand, is regularly referred to by City sources of commentators as a lightweight. Scary, isn't it. Worst financial crisis in memory and all we have is a lightweight being held to account by the underqualified.

Sadiq Khan is the worrying appointment, if this stuff was going to impact me in the long run. The new Shadow Justice Minister has a couple of stains in his reputation too many to be credible in that role. He comes across as a bit of a sleaze, and it's way too early for Ed Milliband to get caught out with that kind of problem. A touch of naïveté perhaps, although Ed has not shown himself so far to be susceptible to that charge. You'd be more inclined to say he's made of stronger stuff based on his track record.

The other reminder I got in response was that the constipation I have suffered from intermittently isn't caused by the chemotherapy, it's source is the morphine. Mentally I had been hoping the end of the chemotherapy would signal the end of the constipation but no such luck. Damn.

Saturday October 9th

A bunch of really nice supportive tweets, comments and emails in response to yesterday's posting. I sense that people really want to do the right thing but are not sure what the right thing is. Should they call, or let me rest? Come to see me or wait until I'm a bit better. It's really hard to advise on that too, I know I will feel bad if someone troops up to see me and all I do is fall asleep on them. Then again, that would hardly be the end of the world. It's funny how I still view certain issues through the prism of (pre-diagnosis) what would be considered normal. My life will never be "normal" again. This is all a bit deep for early on a Saturday morning. Had a real drop in energy until around late afternoon. As bad as it's been in terms of lack of energy for some time. Finally perked up a little to watch an episode of Come Dine with Me. Magic Kev was a good winner, I particularly liked his comment that we all need to show each other a little more empathy. He was the least tightly wrapped of the contestants by a mile. There were a couple of highly strung reality show wannabes on parade. It's X Factor season. The live shows started tonight. Can't believe Louis brought back Wagner as his wild card. And Diva Fever, c'mon Simon, get real. Based on the first performances my picks for top slots would be Matt Cardle and Rebecca Ferguson. Right now, if pushed, my money would be on Rebecca.

Sunday

It's 4am, I'm somewhat awake, and the meaning of life is on my mind, once again. The thought I have had is that... LOL.. fell asleep (the benefit of an app that straddles the phone and iPad, is that it's only the phone in my hand when I fall asleep like that)

Think I can just about remember, my thought was that "normal" life is just like my life with the exception that "normal" has a framework to keep my mind from thinking about the dying stuff. Normal has a bunch of distractions. I guess that's where eventually phrases like "wake up and smell the roses" come from - the self talk to ignore the distractions and focus on the important. I wonder if I need to read some beginners philosophy. Would not know where to start with that! I suppose there must be a "Philosophy for Dummies" book, I'll check that out later. [There is! Added it to my wish list, will queue it up for my reading list]

Before I forget to record it, without too much pain, overcame my post chemo constipation this morning. That's almost 9 days, although much of that time I have been on Fortisips rather than solid food. On the other hand I have shifted a fair amount of cheese on toast. My weight is fairly stable at 12st 8lbs. Would be good to get that back to 13st prior to the final round of chemo.

It's amazing how feeling a little more awake, a nice shower and a bowel movement put a whole different perspective on the day. Right now, in this moment, I feel surprisingly upbeat. It will probably be fleeting but the prospect of a good day is so tantalising.

It continues to be a good day. Took a trip to Bicester and the outlet centre, designer labels dripping up and down the road. Managed a good few hours out in the sun, a Starbucks with a ham and cheese toastie and bought a couple of shirts that were on sale. It felt really good just to do normal stuff. Came back and finished watching the first episode of Downton Abbey, which I found myself, unexpectedly, enjoying. Some intriguing sub plots.

Goldie sent home on Strictly. FYD sent home on the X Factor. No justice and the usual evidence that the public don't treat these shows as talent shows but as pure entertainment. Never know if that should bother me or not. I do feel sorry at this stage for people whose dream is ended before it would otherwise. Ann and Wagner, respectively, should have gone, but they won't win either. So, in the end, does it really matter that they hang on and entertain us a bit longer. My theory is that some viewers secretly enjoy the frustration of the wrong contestants getting through. And let's face it, I bet it's by a mile in the leading topics of conversation at work tomorrow (caveats apply depending on the office you work in). Simon Cowell knows what he's doing! A nice quiet evening, reading in front of the TV, capped a really nice day.

Posted via email from stevenewson's posterous