Mentally a tough day to push through. A reasonable nights sleep but I knew before I really got going that I was not in as good a shape as yesterday. There is probably an element of having overdone things yesterday but I would not change a moment of the day for all the tea in China. Spent most of the early part of the day drifting off to sleep. On one occasion I was sat in the office and must have drifted off just sat there. Woke up when I almost fell face forward into the laptop screen. LOL! Finally seemed to turn the corner a bit by mid to late afternoon. And then late on an old friend came round for a visit. Was really great to see him. We talked about the cancer, about work and then got the iPads out for a good look at the Apps we both have. Quite liked the look of his Korg synthesiser app, but I'm not very musical and it was a bit pricy when I looked in the App store. It was great to spend a couple of hours outside the cancer bubble and I hope he will pop in if he gets up this way again. Back to having thoughts about "the point". Need to try harder to find something to keep myself occupied tomorrow in terms of contribution. I have an iPad podcast to watch tomorrow and I might get the Wii out for a bit, but those are time fillers rather than useful contributions. It feels like a whinge and probably sounds like one. No one should feel sorry me and ultimately no one will. If people do for some reason, they will vote with their feet and stop reading my writing and that's fine. I recalled today why I write this stuff. It's basically for my benefit and it's cathartic for me to work through my issues into the written word and compartmentalise them as a result. In other words the writing helps me to let go. It's partly just a record of the roller coaster I have been on since the diagnosis. It was partly about finding out if i could possibly write a book before I die and I think the answer to that question is probably no, although I will probably keep examining that. It was suggested to me today, twice, that I could write one. And the final reason is the more obvious cancer legacy - if just one person reads about the symptoms I was having and gets an early diagnosis then it will have been worth it - see my very first blog post about cancer. Watched Spooks. Probably best TV series on the box at the moment but something not quite right about it this time. There's a lack of threads running and it all seems to be about Lucas. Even the Harry / Ruth saga has gone quiet.
Monday, October 11, 2010
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