I probably won't post this entry today as it's probably going to say naff all. That's because I have, once again, slept the day away whilst feeling exhausted when awake. Not my finest day. Feel less than a useful member of society on days like this. Got up at about 5:30pm to try and have some quality time before bedtime. I've made a home made toad in the hole... but was promptly sick before preparations were complete. Hopefully that was a clear out and I can have some dinner later, but suspect it's just a sign of how fragile my stomach is right now. Anyway, will try a cup of hot, sweet tea and see how we go. Everywhere I turn at the moment I am finding friends running into serious medical problems or those running into economic problems caused by the downturn and the coming "cuts". The mood of the country is changing from upbeat to decidedly maudlin. I want to live in a world where "it's great to be alive", but sometimes you get the feeling that the majority don't think that to be the case.
I loved the last words of Agony Aunt Claire Rayner, “Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I’ll come back and bloody haunt him.” Cooking disaster. My toad in the hole didn't work. Had to rescue the sausages and do them with some mash. Ruddy hell, I can't get one thing right at the moment. A friend wrote to me today to say that it upset them to see my words "before I die". My friend is struggling with the idea that I will die, still believing that the chemo will pull me through this. If you have read my writing you will all realise that the whole "will I die" issue does play on my mind quite a lot. I think my friend is in the same camp as my mother, sharing the belief that there will be a miracle. I'd like to believe but it's not really a matter of belief. The chemotherapy has certainly made an impact on my tumours but it hasn't made them go away. Eventually they will come back. Happy to talk about the philosophy of this with anyone but it is a philosophy argument rather than a medical one. If there is a fight it's about how long I get after the chemotherapy and that is the battle I'm in. My prognosis is a year. But what if I can significantly beat that. That's worth fighting for, so in my pragmatism, never think that I have given up the fight because I have not. Fell asleep in my chair reading my book. Woke up feeling toasty and warm. Off to bed. But I guess I will post this journal first. Turned out I did have a few things to say today.
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I loved the last words of Agony Aunt Claire Rayner, “Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS I’ll come back and bloody haunt him.” Cooking disaster. My toad in the hole didn't work. Had to rescue the sausages and do them with some mash. Ruddy hell, I can't get one thing right at the moment. A friend wrote to me today to say that it upset them to see my words "before I die". My friend is struggling with the idea that I will die, still believing that the chemo will pull me through this. If you have read my writing you will all realise that the whole "will I die" issue does play on my mind quite a lot. I think my friend is in the same camp as my mother, sharing the belief that there will be a miracle. I'd like to believe but it's not really a matter of belief. The chemotherapy has certainly made an impact on my tumours but it hasn't made them go away. Eventually they will come back. Happy to talk about the philosophy of this with anyone but it is a philosophy argument rather than a medical one. If there is a fight it's about how long I get after the chemotherapy and that is the battle I'm in. My prognosis is a year. But what if I can significantly beat that. That's worth fighting for, so in my pragmatism, never think that I have given up the fight because I have not. Fell asleep in my chair reading my book. Woke up feeling toasty and warm. Off to bed. But I guess I will post this journal first. Turned out I did have a few things to say today.
Sent from my iPad
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