From the story of the blues to the sunshine in my life

Journal for Monday 18th October

Woke up this morning with a serious case of the blues. No real idea why it hit me this morning. Was also in bit of pain this morning so took additional morphine which causes me to keep dropping off to sleep in the chair which feels a bit demoralising because it makes me feel unable to get anything done and unable to contribute and by extension just a burden. Does that spiral of negative thinking make sense? The fact that I recognise what's going on is a step in the right direction but it's also not a solution. The sad bit in all this is that there isn't a solution to what is wrong with me.

Felt steadily better as the day wore on.

Not sure if I should continue with the journal. I won't stop writing but I'm just not sure if a daily recounting of eating cheese on toast is worth it.

Tuesday 19th October

When things aren't going well I have a saying along the lines of "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop". It was a feeling I couldn't shake that something was about to go wrong. I've been feeling like that for a few days now. I just want some peace of mind. I can't even see what it is that would make me feel that much better or even sufficient at least to shrug off the feeling of helplessness. I need to find my happiness mojo.

My mum has been in a nursing home for several years. She had a stroke and when my Dad passed away she was found a place not far from where my brother lives. She spends most of her days sat in her room and I have to say remains more cheerful about that than I seem able to achieve at present, although I'm currently more physically capable than she is. I shall have to ask her how she keeps her spirits up, although I know in advance that part of the answer is that sometimes she gets depressed about it. Nevertheless she does seem able to shrug that off most of the time. She is always telling me to cheer up.

Had a long chat with Mum, and it seems for her the secret is watching TV and listening to the radio. Not sure that could ever be the trick for me, but glad it works for her. Mum was having one of her better days, stress free as she described it.

Had a long chat with best friend. Great to catch up with the gossip from work. There has been quite a lot of turnover at my office, I'll hardly recognise the place.

Wednesday 20th October

It's proving to be a tough week. I can't shake the sense of impending doom I'm feeling and find myself crying last thing at night and first thing In the morning. It was suggested to me today that I should think about speaking with someone, a qualified counsellor to be precise, who is experienced in talking to people with terminal illness and their families. It had never crossed my mind that there were counsellors who specialised in this field, don't know why because I'm totally aware of counsellors who work with the bereaved, and it makes sense that counselling is available both before and after.

I feel sad in part because my plan was to beat the cancer, or at least the prognosis with happiness. It feels, when I drop, that I'm failing in my goal, that somehow I'm dropping the ball. I must try to snap out of this but I need some goals, something to do with my time. Some way of feeling that I'm not spinning my wheels. Part of me wants to write a book, I feel like I could write but I don't have the plot of a novel in me and I don't have enough material to write a non-fiction book about something like personal productivity or mind mapping or PowerPoint.

An old friend was due to come round to see me today but has come back from holiday with a virus. It's the right decision because the last thing I need in my condition is to pick up an infection of any kind - with my immune system shot to pieces by the chemotherapy. We've re-scheduled for next week. I miss my friends and wish I could get out a bit more. I can't wait to get to the end of post chemo recovery and perhaps get out and about a bit. I'd like to get into Maidenhead and see the gang from work. I work with a terrific bunch of people and I miss them a lot.

Thursday 21st October

I'm finding it hard to get wound up about the cuts which are all over the news, the newspapers, the TV and my blogs. Possibly because the impact on me is going to be minimal but only because I won't be around by the time they bite. A bit selfish of me I suppose but this is one time in my life when it does make sense to put myself first. Feeling marginally less blue today than I have for a couple of days. Managed to get out into town under my own steam for an hour this morning. I guess I am coming back, finally, from the last chemotherapy session. Did a few chores and treated myself to a greasy spoon breakfast. Bought a chicken for dinner on the way back home.

Friday 22nd October

Feeling a bit better in myself. Slept well. Still have the feeling I am spinning my wheels a bit although I did get wrapped up in trying to solve an iPad issue for a couple of hours this morning which felt good when I realised the time had just ran away with me.

Out of the blue I've slept a bit more this morning than I am used to from the pattern of this week. Not sure why that would be as I slept well last night. Best friend coming round next week for a twitter lesson. Feels good to know that people still think that I have something to offer. I always enjoyed teaching at work and wonder if that could have been a profession I could have entered at some point in my life. I always loved it when people in a class suddenly "got it" and understood what you were trying to get across.

Had a really good day doing some work getting ready to do a bit of a "how to" for Twitter. I feel much better and looking forward to putting my feet up tonight and doing not much watching some TV. I have an iPad podcast (This week in iPad) downloading from iTunes that will entertain me for an hour or so as well, but it's coming in really slowly. So that might have to wait until tomorrow.

Saturday 23rd October

Woke up about 3am and could not immediately go back to sleep so went surfing on the net and found a couple of elusive ELO related albums on You Tube. Spent a pleasant hour or so listening to a blast from the past.

Woken up for 7am to sign for a Parcelforce delivery. I guess that's what you call justice, having managed the original project to implement hand held scanning (and therefore electronic signature on delivery) for Parcelforce, although they have now replaced the original scanning devices. I wonder how different my life would have been had I stayed with them.

On 30 seconds of reflection I did the right thing for me when I made the move. The mistake was the first company I went to when I left, but who knew what it would be like, and I guess the whole saga was just part of the journey to where I (happily) ended up. Just wish I'd found my "home" earlier. Anyway, that's a whole other story, perhaps for another day.

As I have an extra week in the schedule before my final chemotherapy session (which is on Thursday the 28'th) I'm feeling pretty good at the moment and can almost sense my taste buds coming back to something like normal. Things are beginning to taste almost the same as they used to prior to chemotherapy starting, which holds out the hope that once I'm over the final session then my taste might eventually get back to something like normal. Until you lose your normal sense of taste you've no idea how much you feel on the outside of what everyone else is experiencing and how much we all rely on things tasting as we expect them to. My weight is coming back a little too, although I'm still considerably lighter than when this all began. I went to get my haircut yesterday and both the hairdressers remarked that I was looking much better than I did last time they saw me... which I think was fairly early in the chemotherapy lifecycle. It was also not long after an actual session of chemotherapy because I recall wanting to fall asleep in the chair from fatigue. So all in all both mentally, having found a few things to keep my mind occupied, and physically, because I'm getting over the last chemotherapy session, I feel like I am in relatively good shape. Looking back over the week it's amazing how much my underlying mood can swing in such a short space of time. I'm not out of the woods yet because I do still have the final chemotherapy session to go and the recovery from it to soldier through but it bodes well that I should be able to finish out the year strongly and in the best shape I could be in, under the circumstances.

I'm sticking with my X Factor prediction, Matt Cardle to win. For me he is the stand out act this year. I didn't like Rebecca's styling this week, her hair was awful, but what a voice, she's still my second choice. Both of my first two have great recording voices. I'd part with money to buy their records and I don't often say that about X Factor acts. Still not impressed by Cher. She promised a lot but hasn't delivered. She doesn't have the X Factor. Mary has turned into a one trick pony with the big ballads and she is losing confidence, not good in an industry that relies on confidence to perform. One Direction are just boring. Simon looks silly when he gushes on about them. Aidan turned in a disaster of a performance. What a poser. Time for Wagner to go home. Awful song choice by / for Katie. My guess is Mary and Wagner for the bottom two but I'm generally not as good as picking the bottom two as I am at getting the top two right.

Sunday 24th October

Up fairly early and feeling good. Today I want to get out of the house and do something, and by something I mean anything really. A few options are open to me including a visit to a local craft fair, a visit to Northampton Museum in town, and a trip to Stratford-on-Avon. I don't mind much which I end up doing, the larger target is just to get out of the house. I read a short article yesterday on the concept of "living in the moment". I'm still ruminating on it but I think it might be worthy of further investigation. It's a bit of a zen concept which I already have a bit of time for, in the sense that when I "teach" my little personal productivity session called "Inbox Zero" I talk about the concept of achieveing a "mind like water", a state of mind where you are ready for anything and in which you do your best thinking and problem solving, basically because all the rubbish you are normally thinking about is either dealt with or parked on a trusted list where it will be dealt with in due course, at the appropriate time, but in the knowledge that you won't forget about it.

Had a fantastic few hours out in Stratford. Just wandered round the shops, bought some magazines, and a couple of hobby type activities I'll talk about later if they work out. Battered Sausage & Chips for lunch. It was warm in the sunshine, cold in the shade but damn it felt good to be out. Obviously overdid it because I then spent most of the afternoon fast asleep in my chair, but who cares. Not I, not one bit.

I cannot generate any enthusiasm this year for Strictly Come Dancing, certainly at this stage of the competition. Last year was spoiled by John Sergeant hanging in until about week 6 when clearly in a dance competition he should have gone earlier. This year Ann Widdecombe has taken the "spoiler" role and frankly it's just tiresome. It's not even entertainment, which is how is gets excused by some commentators. I'm gonna give it a miss for a couple of weeks and come back for the later stages, basically after la Widdecombe has gone home. By the way no one should take this as saying I have something against Ms Widdecombe, you'd be completely missing the point of my argument.

If Cheryl can get away with miming her new single on the X Factor, does she have the credibility to judge people who have to sing live every week? Wow, Wagner got through the public vote. Is this a singing competition? That's exactly the same credibility issue as Ann Widdecombe on Strictly that I was just banging on about. And what is TreyC doing in the bottom two? She's good. I hope this was about song choice. Oh dear, she picked a turkey for the sing off. Does anyone else think John's hair looked like a mushroom?

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