Not a lot about not very much...

Well, it's gotten to Saturday evening already and I have not written a single word for my journal. I guess that says something about the week, what is says to me mainly is that I have been unable to find the energy to be capable of writing anything down. Monday involved a bunch of chores, most importantly getting the car fitted with new tyres, the old ones were beginning to look worn and this isn't the weather to be driving on marginal tread. Had a nice visit from another old Post Office colleague from my later years with Parcelforce and the hand held scanner project. I should try and find some org charts from the time period. Actually that's a great piece of advice if you are starting out... keep the org charts which kind of represent your career and the relationship with key colleagues. Trust me, when you try to have the "do you remember what's his name from accounts" later in life you"ll thank me. And don't rely on what you currently think of as your cast iron memory, it will eventually let you down and you'll be doing the same kind of research I have been doing recently. LinkedIn might eventually take the place of retaining those old org charts or phone lists - assuming you connect with all your colleagues as you move from role to role.

On Wednesday I was supposed to travel to Maidenhead for a do, but I had already figured out on Monday or so that I was not up to the round trip. I could have made the trip in, but would almost immediately have needed to sleep. Thursday and Friday passed me by in a cycle of pain, morphine, fatigue and sleep. It took until late Friday to feel like I had the right balance of medication / timing.

I feel a little unsettled by the fact that the underlying level of morphine I am currently taking is higher than what I have been on previously and worried if I have reached a point where I will always suffer this level of pain and the issue has become managing this level of pain. The problem is I know the level of pain can be controlled but at a level of morphine which won't give me much in terms of awake time. You have to factor into this equation that my body is getting used to the morphine and so it will be taking more morphine now to control an unchanged level of pain. It’s not an easy equation.

I’d like to take a moment here for a shout out to a fellow lung cancer sufferer, Jonathan Piper, who is raising funds for the Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation via a climb of Mont Blanc next year. His blog is at... http://everydayamountain.blogspot.com/

I do think Pamela Stephenson should have won Strictly Come Dancing, but it was not to be.

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Not quite as bad as it reads...

My journal this week is particularly downbeat and reads a bit like a “I did this then I did that” dreary monologue. I could summarise the week by saying it’s had it’s up and downs with the cloud of fatigue still hanging over me. It hasn’t been quite as bad as it reads. For those who are gluttons for punishment; here is the complete journal for last week...

Journal for Monday 6th December

Not one of my better nights sleepwise. I don’t feel too bad for the lack of sleep but it will mean my sleep cycle is all to pot for a day or so. I must try to sort it as early as possible or it’s impacts will roll on and before you know it I’ll find it’s the weekend again with nothing to show for the passage of the week.

The day dragged a bit in my usual fatigue style stupor. What a waste. My time is precious and it’s dripping through my fingers.

Tuesday 7th December

I have spent the day building and launching a website. The last time I did something like that was when I got my first PC at home, a Gateway 2000. I signed up with a ISP who no longer exists today but their package gave me a couple of email addresses and importantly some webspace. I taught myself the basics of hand coding HTML and launched a site. Today it would get laughed at. Anyway, fast forward to here and now and I have built the shell of a website with four static pages which will be at www.stevenewson.com (and www.stevenewson.co.uk ). I’ve also pointed my posterous blog at the website domain so the blog is at blog.stevenewson.com

For those that follow me by other means don’t panic, nothing has changed.

In the evening it was time to go and see my consultant for a post chemotherapy and CT scan review. There was a mixed bag of news. On the good news front the lung cancer and bone cancer are currently under control and responding appropriately to the chemotherapy. The news of the liver cancer was not so good. The liver cancer “spots” have become slightly larger and more defined. The plan is to have Christmas, get a scan at the end of January and see what the liver cancer is doing at that point. The consultant told me that he is considering prescribing a drug called Tarceva which has had some good results. It’s a pill based chemotherapy, so it avoids being wired up to bags of fluid for 24 hours which is really good news from my point of view. The common side effects are a skin rash and diahorrea. I feel quite positive about the news. Yes, it could have been better but it wasn’t really dreadfully bad news. I’m encouraged about the Tarceva because I have met someone on that drug at the lung cancer support group and he had had extraordinary good results from it. Whilst the same may not happen for me, as always when you are in my position, you will take any bit of a result you can get.

Went to Pizza Hut on the way back and enjoyed a Pepperoni feast.

Wednesday 8th December

Back pain isn’t helping things at the moment. I slept well last night, although in what I would call tranches. A few hours sleep then awake, sometimes just to turnover or go to the loo, sometimes needing to get up and stretch and have a cup of tea. Had an extra tranche at about 9:30 am and the next thing I knew it was almost noon.

Having been stuck in the house when on my own for a few weeks and certainly since the snow started it felt good to get out today, if only to go round to the chemists and pick up some medicines and to little Tesco.

Thursday 9th December

Another day that disappeared to a haze of fatigue.

Friday 10th December

Had a visitor for Twitter training in the morning which i think went well. Slept a bit in the afternoon. Crashed out in front of the TV for the evening.

Saturday 11th December

Went shopping in Highcross in Leicester. Think I am all set for Christmas now with cards and presents. Thirteen days before the big event. This is unheard of territory for me, but I like the feeling of control. I am sure things still have the capacity to go wrong, and knowing my luck it’s just a matter of time before the next bit of bad news hits me, but I will definitely enjoy the feeling whilst it lasts.

The X Factor went pretty much the way I would have liked and forecast but not the way many armchair commentators have been saying that it would. So many people seem to think that Cher was going to win, but lo and behold, that’s not going to happen. She was more gracious in defeat than I expected given some of her recent diva style behaviour.

Sunday 12th December

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part One. Versus sleep. Sleep won, so I did fall nod off a couple of times and, so I’m told, I snored. Bet that was popular! And probably accounts for the bruised ribs from getting poked (I’m joking!).

I very nearly wasn't right with my X Factor predictions. Rebecca put up a great fight for the top slot and at one stage I thought she might have done enough to knock Matt off the podium with her winners single which I thought was a much more iconic vocal and a fantastic performance. But all the speculation is over and my 1, 2, 3 has come good. I should have had money on it at the bookies but to be honest that's I thought I always have afterwards rather than before. Just as well, my Dad was a bit of a small time gambler and it never really paid off for him. Given my addictive personality style getting into gambling might have been the road to ruin for me.

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Tired of being tired and sick...

Journal for Monday 29th November


Comically bad start to the week. It was time for my CT Scan this morning.  For the first time since the diagnosis I had to drink the contrast fluid before the scan which is done over an hour between arrival and scanning, but I was promptly and very violently sick about three-quarters of the way through bucket of fluid presented to me. I told the staff, who just went ahead and did the scan immediately. Bearing in mind they can see on monitor screens whether or not there is sufficient contrast it makes you wonder if the fluid (or that much fluid) really is necessary or not. I see the consultant on December 7th.


Tuesday 30th November


Brrr. It's very cold outside.


I spent a good part of the day "virtually" attending the Social Recruiting Conference. A conference that actually eats it's own dog food in the sense that being all about social media it makes effective use of social media tools to reach out beyond the audience of people able to attend the conference in person. A really well organised event from what I could see on the streaming video, kudos to Social Recruiter of Crexia and to Alan Whitford of RCEuro. The main takeaways from the presentations I saw was "finally" some case studies about the ROI of using social media in recruitment....



(1) 65% of EA Games hires globally come through Social Media


(2) SAB MIller has saved between £1.2-£1.8m through direct sourcing with social media


(3) At Deloitte NL, 3 people hired directly via Twitter in one year and 18 via Linkedin. Aim to be first organisation in Netherlands to kill use of job boards.



I originally missed the following point but picked it up from Doug Shaw's blog feedback...



(4) Cummins has been using social recruiting, they have reduced cost per hire from £6k to £1.5k and reduced the time to fill a vacancy from 14 weeks to 7.



I didn't make it all the way through till the end of the day; so I am sad that I didn't get to see Bill Boorman on the closing panel but I understand there is a boxset of CD's being made available for purchase sometime soon. I'm pretty sure details will be available at the RCEuro website (www.rceuro.com). I'm looking forward to reading some of the blog output from today too.



Am taking a fair amount of "extra" morphine to control aches and pains and to enable a restful nights sleep. Am sure that it's probably contributing to stomach problems but it's difficult to find an acceptable balance... very difficult.



Wednesday 1st December



Feels like I am on the countdown to Christmas already. I guess the good news is that without chemotherapy I would not have lived to see Christmas this year. I now fully intend to see Christmas next year too.

We put our Christmas tree up today. The house looks great and ready for Christmas... I even like what my girlfriend calls the Christmas "tat". I suspect the house is more ready for Christmas than we are.



Thursday 2nd December



It's five weeks since my last chemotherapy. Mentally I am turning the corner, at least I'm fairly sure that this is the case. Physically I'm nowhere. My taste buds are not back but I can sense that they are still coming back, almost day by day. The vomiting has eased off but not gone. Unfortunately it's making me gun shy with food a little in the sense that I worry about what my stomach can and can't handle much more than normal.  The fatigue is definitely the worst of my issues. I had a full on proper nap yesterday and also had my usual nodding off in the chair routine going the rest of the day. I was shattered when I went to bed just before 9pm. All I seem to do is sleep. That's really putting a dampener on what I am able to do. By now I was hoping to have had a day trip out to pop into work or something like that but there's no way right now I'm ready for that. By the time the journey there is done I will be wanting to sleep. At home I can do things in bursts, resting in between.



I have moved my journal from an app called Simplenote to Google Docs. In theory Google Docs has a bucketload of functionality compared to Simplenote, but the main reason is that in moving my journal from Simplenote to email I keep losing formatting and theoretically that won't happen going from one google product (docs) to another (gmail). I have the same access capability as Simplenote in that I can get synchronous access from all my web enabled devices i.e. iPad, iPhone and laptops.



We watched the Sorceror's Apprentice tonight. Cast led by Nicholas Cage, who can, in the right vehicle, be awesome, but in this he was just okay. This is a superb Disney story who do these family type films with great panash.



I have had the most awful late afternoon and evening with aches and pain. I have loaded up with Morpine and headed for bed.



Friday 2nd December



An exceptionally bad night marked by being woken up with aches several times. I spent an hour or so downstairs at one stage because I could not get comfortable in bed. Took yet more morphine to get the pain under control. Managed to use a bit of the time productively by beginning to put together a Christmas card list. I guess that is one thing there is kind of no reason not to be on top of this year, other than general procrastination, which has kicked in a bit I guess. The simple reason being that I am beginning to resent the dates that mark the passage of time for the obvious reason that each marker brings "that date" closer, or at least the thoughts of "that date". I know that if I read back in my journal I went through post chemo pain before I bounced back and that is what I am experiencing now but it's slightly worse this time than last time and lasting longer. It has been mentioned that perhaps I should prepare my mind ready for feedback from my consultant, post CT scan, that my tumours have grown. As my girlfriend has said, that's not really the issue. The issue is how long a pain free period will I get and what is the quality of life I will have during that time.



Finally cleared level 1-12 of Angry Birds after weeks of failure. Finally gave in and looked up the solution on YouTube. There is a video that shows you exactly how to beat the level and get a high score. What did we used to do before we had the Internet as a resource for problem solving? Mind you, there would not have been Angry Birds either, so that's alright then, isn't it.



Saturday 3rd December



After a couple of rubbish days I seem to have found a bit of energy today. It has been a couple of dreadful days and I can admit now that I was having some dark thoughts about what has been going on. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking any pain is the beginning of the end. That said, the pain has been hard to take, not especially in terms of depth of pain but the sheer persistence of it. It’s like a nagging toothache in the sense that it’s just there all of the time and it’s all that you can think of and there is no respite from it and you’d give anything for it to just stop and why is this happening to me. An incredibly difficult internal circular argument.



The X Factor very hard to call tonight because performances are being affected by illness. I guess I haven’t changed my opinions about the top of the table and that really unfolds next week at the final. The issue is who is going home. My call would be Mary and Cher to be bottom two with Mary going home. I’d prefer Cher to go home but if the judges vote then they will keep Cher as the more likely to sell a few records to the record buying public.



Sunday 4th December



Started the morning off quite well, having slept well on the back of the extra morphine I took last night. Felt like I have some energy so pottered in the kitchen a bit. Had some cheese on toast as a late breakfast / early lunch and lo and behold was promptly and very violently very sick. Oh joy.



I refuse to let that stop me today. I must get out, get some fresh air and enjoy a bit of time away from the house. If willpower will make me feel better then I will feel better this coming week.



Just back from a good trip into Northampton. I feel better prepared for Christmas than I have in years in terms of things like Christmas Cards (all purchased and a list made, aim to write them this week) and Christmas presents (a few to get but almost done). I have never left it to the stage where I'm running round like an idiot on Christmas Eve (since making that mistake once in my 20's) but I'm way ahead of my usual performance.  The Christmas Market, which is what had drawn us into town, was frankly awful but the High Street wasn't too busy so we managed a good stroll around and even a Costa Coffee stop. I used up the balance on my W H Smith gift card that the gang at work bought me on a couple of magazines, one on iPads and one on websites. I'm going to build a website again, something I haven't done since my first days on the net and I'd like to try again. I noted on the iPad mag was a pointer to the fact that iPad 2 was likely to be released in January. Given the way Apple works that won't be gospel and the specification of the new device won't be confirmed until Steve Jobs actually stands up and confirms when he performs the launch.



I've been Scobleized on twitter. In other words Robert is following me. Robert is my favourite technical guru / journalist and I've read his blog since his early days as an evangelist with Microsoft back in 2005. In those days I used the phrase "being Scobleized" to refer to the fact that Robert linked to your website or blog, as it brought a tidal wave of traffic from the other people following him. It was known to crash servers. Semi-scobleization was a mention on his link blog, which also brought traffic but not as much as a mention on his main blog. Twitter won't have the same impact given the follower / following model and being just one of the 20,000 or so that Robert already follows. I'll report back if that changes (current benchmark is that I have about 600 followers). For those who laughed at this paragraph, the equivalent in your world would be a mention in your favourite newspaper by your favourite journalist.



I don't say much in this diary in respect of my care but it's about time I mentioned my girlfriend and acknowledged the help and support that she gives me. We've only known each other just over a year and in that time we've gone through my diagnosis with cancer and the trauma of my divorce. All this pales into insignificance beside the trauma yet to come and I can only imagine what that is going to be like. It's bad enough having to be around when I suddenly need to be sick and to have to cope with the sight, sound and smell of that. Whilst that should get better in the short term it's only likely to get worse in time. She has been my absolute rock and I could not have asked for more in terms of my care. The logistics of being diagnosed with cancer are a nightmare. Consultant consultations, chemotherapy sessions, scans, GP consultations, medication regime, support group meetings all add up. Then add in all the things I am not able to do because of the fatigue or other impacts of either the cancer or the chemotherapy regime. I'm never going to able to properly express how much all this support means to me, but you can take it from me that it means the world. What has happened to me is scary. It would scare anybody. She has made the whole journey less scary. The phrase "For that I will be grateful to my dying day" actually means something real to me and has real applicability to my situation.



Finally, the right result from Strictly Come Dancing. I thought Ann was very gracious in defeat, well done to her. Given that the Strictly result is democratic to the extent that it's entirely driven by the audience vote then Ann had every right to hang in there and enjoy getting through despite the misgivings of the other participants. I guess the overarching issue is the extent to which the show is only a dancing competition or it's a dancing competition plus an entertainment and reality TV show in which popularity plays a part in the outcome. The biggest issue is the extent to which the people who believe it's purely dance don't accept the other factors. If they did you wouldn't, for example, get stories like those in today's papers suggesting that the remaining participants had put formal complaints to the BBC management.



More complaints reported in the papers today. This time it's the X Factor participants letting off steam about Cher and "what a little mare" she is. Actually these stories ring true, maybe not to the extent to which they were bigged up by the journalists, because in truth they validate something I have been figuring out for myself. Cher comes across potentially as nasty piece of work besides some of the other contestants past and present who have been such genuinely nice people. I hope Cher, therefore, doesn't make the final although I fear she might. My top three firms up therefore as Matt, Rebecca and One Direction.  Tonight I'd like Cher to go, but it could well be Mary.

I guess I could see that coming. Simon voted for the artist he thinks might make money. I think he might live to regret that. Felt very sorry for Mary, she’s played her hand well and I, for one, wish her lots of luck.

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Christmas elves in Northampton...

Sent from my iPhone

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Forgot to post this street artist photo from trip to Shakespeare country...

Sent from my iPhone

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People parking their cheap cars on our street....

Sent from my iPhone

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Social Recruiting Conference... #srconf

I spent a good part of yesterday "virtually" attending the Social Recruiting Conference. A conference that actually eats it's own dog food in the sense that being all about social media it makes effective use of social media tools to reach out beyond the audience of people able to attend the conference in person. A really well organised event from what I could see on the streaming video, kudos to Social Recruiter of Crexia and to Alan Whitford of RCEuro. The main takeaways from the presentations I saw was "finally" some case studies about the ROI of using social media in recruitment....

(1) 65% of EA Games hires globally come through Social Media 

(2) SAB MIller has saved between £1.2-£1.8m through direct sourcing with social media

(3) At Deloitte NL, 3 people hired directly via Twitter in one year and 18 via Linkedin. Aim to be first organisation in Netherlands to kill use of job boards. 

I didn't make it all the way through till the end of the day; so I am sad that I didn't get to see Bill Boorman on the closing panel but I understand there is a boxset of CD's being made available for purchase sometime soon. I'm pretty sure details will be available at the RCEuro website (www.rceuro.com). I'm looking forward to reading some of the blog output from today too.

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If it's all the same to you I reserve the right to be pissed off...

Journal for Monday 22nd November

A busy day for me. I just wish the vomiting would stop. It's got to the stage where I'm questioning the value of the sixth chemotherapy session. I was in the best shape I have been since diagnosis just before the sixth round and right now I feel like crap. I know the conventional wisdom is that the side effects are cumulative so I should give it at least four weeks, and probably five weeks, before I start to question the recovery but I am just so fed up with it. In my heart of hearts I know that the sixth chemotherapy session will have bought me more than the two or three weeks it is costing me now but I reserve the right to be pissed off about how long it's taking me to get back on an even keel if it's all the same to you. 

I've cooked today for the first time in ages and by cooking I mean started with ingredients rather than something from a packet or can. It's only a mince stew and dumplings but it's a massive step forward for me. The only fear is that my stomach will let me down. Time will tell.

A visit today from two of my oldest friends. I go all the way back to my first days in the Post Office in London, some 25 years ago, to recall my first encounters with Stuart & Ruth. One way or another my career was closely linked with Stuart throughout my 14 years with the Post Office. It was great to catch up with them, neither of them seem to have changed that much since I first met them. They are wonderful people and great friends.

Tuesday 23rd & Wednesday 24th November

The fatigue is really hard to cope with this time. I have quite short bursts of energy; typically first thing in the morning, then around lunchtime, then around teatime / early evening. What this means though is that I'm sleeping late morning and again early afternoon for a couple of hours each time. I'm enjoying the periods when I am awake and able to do a bit of work even if it's a bit of housework or walking the dogs or whatever but I'm frustrated by the periods of sleep.

Thursday 25th November

A frustrating day with my Sky TV installation. Recordings have been covered in interference for a couple of days and the box has started switching itself off at random times. Also some channels are reporting that the box has no satellite signal whilst others seem to be fine. I did a bit of trouble shooting after some research on the net and then soldiered through a call with technical support. I don't know why these people can't accept that you have already done some of the checks they want you to perform. I know the argument is that they have procedures to follow but frankly that is exactly what is wrong with customer service in this country. If you don't empower your front line to resolve problems to the satisfaction of the customer then you are asking for trouble. If you set up a regime of fear where your front line is instructed to follow a set of procedures which they circumvent at their peril then don't expect your customer service to be rated very highly. Yes, you may have high closure rates on cases, but with due respect, you are measuring the wrong thing.

My stomach is slightly better and the fatigue marginally better. My left thigh is aching from a fall on Tuesday morning. It didn't bother me yesterday but today it is aching quite badly. It was so bad it forced me to return home after about 250 yards of my walk today. Very bored with life at the moment but realise I am not too far away from being able to do a few things, hopefully.

Friday 26th November

It feels like lots of waiting for things to drop into place at the moment. Unfortunately for me, waiting equals boredom. Boy does the mood round here need to change a bit. I want the old upbeat me back so badly I could scream. 

Saturday 27th November

Not a bad nights sleep. I went to bed quite early and as a consequence I woke up the first time quite early. I was uncomfortable and didn't quite know what to do with myself. I tried sleeping on my right side, which I haven't been able to do in months and managed about three hours of deep sleep, after which having had the relief, I was able to sleep again on my more usual left side. An interesting development, will have to try that again.

After a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, the train emerged and hit me full on this morning. Fatigue, vomiting, falling asleep in my chair. My mood is slightly better but my physical condition is not matching, at least so far. Had some pretty weird dreams last night and to be honest I think because I worked through some bad news stuff in my sleep that's what has helped towards the lifting mood today. Time will tell if it's the start of a more upbeat me coming back into play. I have a CT scan on Monday. I was going to attempt to go on my own but the bad weather is encouraging a more conservative approach and the need to be helped.

Fell asleep about 11am, woke up at 2pm. We went shopping for food, a good trip round Tesco but ran out of steam almost immediately after.

The X Factor is getting down to the wire now. This weekend and two more to go. No reason on the basis of tonight to fundamentally revise my predictions. Wagner to go please. Matt to win, my only fear is his song choices are geared towards the older end of the audience, but boy can he sing. Rebecca, a truly talented vocalist, to come second. My fear for Rebecca is that nerves will overtake her. Cher or One Direction to come third. The eviction tomorrow should be Wagner but I'm guessing the tactical voting is still in place. Therefore Mary & Katie to be the bottom two. Mary to go home.

Sunday 28th November

Having had the pop at the Sky Call Centre, let me by contrast, offer praise to the Sky Engineer who came round to fix the problem. Within minutes he'd decided to replace the box, accepting on face value the problems that we outlined, and within about 15 minutes the new box was installed and we were good to go. It will be nice to have the TV back to normal.

I was right about the bottom three in the X Factor, but wrong about the order. Katie, knocked out immediately, gave a gracious little farewell. Much more to her than Aiden who got his knickers in a twist when he was voted off. I'm guessing the judges will now vote to dump Wagner unless they are scared of the fallout (retribution) from the judging public. 

Well done, the judges didn't bottle it, so Wagner has finally gone. I'm surprised that Simon commented on the theory that tactical voting has been happening, that might come back to bite him!

I need to start thinking more about Xmas. Have the approximate shape of my plans but need to start to firm these up a bit further. It feels like it's too early but it's sure to come round really fast now. 

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Two weeks in the tropic of cancercorn...

Journal for Monday 8th November

Slow start to the week. I've finished the course of steroids so I'm now pretty much down to my basic post chemotherapy medication routine; basically morphine and folic acid. I'm also on a short course of anti-biotics as I seem to have a minor eye infection - left eye is a little red in the corner and keeps leaking fluid which feels like and probably looks like I'm crying but I'm not.

I have a few visits lined up for this week. Am looking forward to them. This week is somewhat the calm before the storm. Next week I fear I have some difficult decisions to face, decisions I am not ready for, nor necessarily equipped to make. I am afraid because this is territory that has broken my spirit before. There is a horrible nagging doubt hanging over me because I cannot see even the short-term future of my health. 

Tuesday 9th November

Panic over. I have had a Rolling Stones tune in my head for a couple of days which I couldn't quite remember or bring all the way back into consciousness. And, no, don't ask me to sing it, I have more respect for your ears. Found it finally this morning... "Gimme Shelter", what a great track! [Yes, it's the theme to Call of Duty - Black Ops]

Really enjoyed the Spooks end of season finale. And it was a finale rather than a cliffhanger, which is a better way to play it to my way of thinking, better than leaving us all wondering if someone shot or buried alive is going to make it from one series to the next - presumably in some cases it's a factor of the contractual negotiations with the actor - if they ask for too much money they run out of oxygen in the script, ask just right and miraculously the oxygen flows and they live. That's a bit cynical of me, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it. Thinking about it, Harry is in the cliffhanger role - will he survive the review or will he be thrown out for having given up a state secret. I wonder if I will be around to find out. 

Wednesday 10th November

Super useless week continues. Trying not to feel sorry for myself, because that is just so unattractive and frankly a waste of time and energy. The missing link is what to focus on instead of the things that have been dragging me down. I am still in the zone of being fearful about what is coming and in some senses the funny part is that the fear is not about dying so much as it's about the unknown. Unlike most, who don't have time to think about the unknown, all I have right now is the time to think, which is not necessarily a good thing.

Wonderful visit from one of my most long standing friends. We spent a great hour or so catching up on recent events and what is going on in our lives. My story, of course, predominantly about the cancer. Sad to hear that someone I haven't seen in quite some time has a brain tumour.   

Thursday 11th November

I am clearly somewhat better than I have been earlier in the week. Not back to my best yet but I feel that there is a little bit of gas in the tank. My back pain is pretty bad and I wake up most mornings feeling very stiff across my lower middle back. I'm hitting the pain with a bit of extra morphine just before bedtime. The issue that causes is that I'm a bit groggy or sleepy in the mornings. I'm worried that the pain isn't going to go away because it's the underlying tumours causing it, but I don't know if I'm making a valid connection or not. I'm fed up and frustrated with all the not knowing. 

I'm not as past the fatigue as I was hoping. I have spent the morning in a haze again; falling in and out of sleep as I've sat in my chair. And I'm so fed up with it. I want it to be over and done with. 

Friday 12th November

A busy day for me. If I was fully fit it probably would not seem like much but for me it was an "on the go" day.   

Visit from a very special person today.  I am blessed to have the very best of friends. The mark of a good natter is that time passes far too quickly and it's hard to remember what the topics were but you know you had a good time.

Saturday 13th November & Sunday 14th November

Marked by sleeping lots and vomiting more than considered normal in polite society. Indeed joke of the weekend was to create a list of places I have vomited in and therefore left my dying mark upon. 

Feeling steadily more uneasy about the burden of my divorce and how I am going to cope mentally with it all this coming week. I'd make some joke about it being like a creeping cancer but that's not wholly appropriate under the circumstances, LOL!

Strictly Come Dancing still being spoilt by Anne Widdecombe, for the record nice lady, awful dancer. X Factor top two still Matt then Rebecca. If extending to a top three then tactically I think One Direction probably have it over Cher (more girl voters than boys). Was not sorry to see Aiden go, he really tortured his save me song, but marginally surprised to see him go before Katie. I thought Aiden's snippy, snotty attitude did him no favours once the vote was announced.

Monday 15th November

D-Week is here. Divorce Week. Pain and suffering ahead! 

The legal conference with my barrister started the week. The system is grossly unfair when you are dying. The legal profession could do with taking a good hard look at how it works today and how it should work. The problem as I see it is a shortage of advocates for one of the groups of interested parties. We keep dying! How inconsiderate of us!!!

Tuesday 16th November

I was hoping for a couple of days off from divorce issues but no such luck. There always seems to be some complication that takes time to work out how to handle and then respond. I suspect my ex is not going through any of this aggro and I really need it to be over very soon. 

Yesterday I was able to go through the day without sleeping, today has been a return to the "bad" old days of sleeping the day away. I went for a specific nap in the afternoon, but still kept falling asleep in the chair either side of that.

 

Wednesday 17th November

A relatively quiet day and just as well, because yet again it's been all about sleeping, although I'd call it more snoozing than sleeping. Popped to the shops this morning but got about 500 yards and had to get out of the car to throw up. Charming. As it looks like I have to go to court tomorrow I only hope I can avoid something like that if I am called on.

Thursday 18th November

My day in court. and a result. I am divorced and can finally put that all behind me and get on with my remaining days. It was an exceptionally long day of hanging around but it was worth it to get to a full and final settlement. My decree absolute is in effect and will be in my hands within five working days.

Managed to be sick in the car on the way home and then again once I got home. Not pleasant, and frankly getting boring.

Friday 19th November

Visit from best friend today and managed to get some jobs from her to keep me occupied next week. Strangely I am looking forward to it in the sense that chemotherapy is over, I should be starting to feel stronger and I am getting my life back to something like normal and there should be an absence of divorce stress from my life. I know I am going to have problems with energy levels but not as bad as this week hopefully. If only the vomiting would stop!

Saturday 20th November

A rough nights sleep. Having difficulty finding a comfortable position to lie in. 

A difficult day, as my girlfriend would say. It's almost like the real me is somewhere else, taking a holiday, leaving this random bloke with zero personality who she doesn't know and who is being sick from time to time. She deserves a medal for putting up with me.

The X Factor was interesting. A not so good performance from Matt, and Cher came back strongly after a string of poor performances, Rebecca was as strong as ever. One Direction appeared to have some tuning problems. None of this changes my long standing predictions of Matt to win and Rebecca to come second. I'm wondering though if Cher will do enough in the last few weeks to beat One Direction to third spot. Wagner just so has to go home. Doing medley arrangements is giving him the opportunity to mangle many songs rather than just one. And he is absolutely delusional about his level of "talent". The judges seem reluctant to put him right, they need lessons from Craig Revel Horwood. Better week for Mary this week so my guess for the bottom two would be Wagner and Katie. There is some speculation that there is a lot of tactical voting going on in favour of Wagner to piss off Simon Cowell; if that is the case then Katie and Paije would be my bottom two.

Sunday 21st November

Another lousy start to the day. Started okay, but rapidly overcome with nausea and feeling sick. Getting awfully tired of this now. This is my time and it's the only time I'm going to get and I won't get this time back so I need to start feeling better real soon. I know it's only been three weeks and yes, I'm expecting a lot but that's in my nature. 

It looks like my 50th birthday is going to clash with the Royal Wedding as the speculation appears to be for the couple to get married towards the end of April. Should help keep my birthday a low key thing - I've always hated being the centre of attention for things like my birthday. 

Been to Ikea and Asda this afternoon. Thought I had managed to escape without being sick and promptly vomited in the car on the way home, fortunately into a sick bag. Tired and bored of the inevitability of it. That said I have been a bit more with it mentally today. Going to try and have a quick power nap for an hour to get through this evening without falling asleep in the chair. That's the plan anyway.

The X Factor bottom two was a bit of a surprise. First surprise that Wagner was not down there. And then that Cher was. I suppose once Wagner was not there, Paije was not a great surprise to me. Of the bottom two I would have sent Cher home, based on an awful "save me" performance but I can see why the show would send home Paije. 

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On the slow boat to recovery...

Journal for Monday 1st November

Sleep. Sleep. More sleep. Probably the worst fatigue that I've experienced. The day disappeared in a blur.

Tuesday 2nd November

Well, with a good nights sleep I feel a little better this morning. Not great but definitely more with it than yesterday. Have a gassy stomach which makes me feel a little uncomfortable but I'm hoping this will pass. Trying to work out what to do today, without success. 

Great visit from close friend from work. Am clearly not back to my best yet because I felt tired very quickly, but it's great to see people or speak to people and feel connected to things outside the bubble of the house.

Wednesday 3rd November

Not best nights sleep and I have hit the part of post chemotherapy recovery where I don't know what to do with myself. I need to be careful not to overdo things because the gas tank isn't filling up properly and I didn't rest well towards the latter part of the night. I was up quite early with a little bit of energy then quickly exhausted myself and slept again. 

My mind is a mess at the moment. I can't quieten it and it feels like peace is a long way away. I have feelings of anger but can't seem to express them. I have feelings of frustration but what can I do with them? It all feels a bit pointless. Managed to get out of the house for a quick trip to the supermarket to stock up on cheese on toast. How sad is that. I'm consigned to Fortisips meal supplements and cheese on toast. What's the point. Got back home and without warning was violently sick. Oh joy. 

Spent a while working on a task this afternoon / evening for work, only to lose the project file due to a technical hitch. Luckily only a side of A4 but it was good, thoughtful output and I was definitely annoyed to lose it. That has caused me a bit of restlessness so I've got up in the middle of the night to re-do the work. In some senses I am glad from a point of view of state of mind to have done that and in other senses I can't believe I've just done that. I was always kind of like that before all the cancer stuff so perhaps I am behaving more normally that I am giving myself credit for.

Thursday 4th November

I seem to be stuck in philosophical mode at the moment, and probably spouting utter tripe, but it seems to go with the territory of post chemotherapy recovery. Something to do perhaps with the fact that I did my degree in a subject spelt only marginally different from philosophy. That really doesn't wash either does it. So that must be pure claptrap too. What is true is that I'm subject to the standard hierarchy of needs which aren't by any means being met, in the sense that I don't feel safe,  and the result is mental discomfort. In an abstract way it's an interesting form of mental torture I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I feel that a lot is going to be asked of me over the next few days and certainly few weeks and that I am just not up to it. I know it's only a week since my last chemotherapy but I expect so much of myself, I always have. I'm so disappointed with myself over the amount of sleeping I am doing. It's emotionally painful every time I wake up in the chair, wondering where another couple of hours has disappeared too. I wonder what others are thinking about the extent to which I am just a useless burden. 

I don't think anyone will be so keen to read my drivel this week. I know I wouldn't want to digest the sheer amount of negative energy it contains; can you imagine a book load of this tripe, LOL. I'll just pop it on the blog next week and run for cover. 

Friday 5th November

The nature of time is on my mind. I guess I have an inkling why, but our human relationship with time is bothering me. Why does time pass so fast when you need it to crawl. As far as time is concerned I can't bring myself to believe I will be dead in less than a year. That seems so harsh, having gone through the trauma of chemotherapy for four months (I had to go back and check that, but this has been four months end to end). It's just struck me that this is the first time I have had to face death. I haven't been there, at the very end, for death in my family. I wonder now if that's helpful to my state of mind or not. It's another bone to chew on mentally and wind myself up with I guess. 

I'm deleting more of this drivel that I am keeping at the moment. It's really to late to be concerned if others think I'm totally mad, everyone has the power not to read what I write. Nevertheless the drive to self-edit is compulsively high. 

Saturday 6th November

For some reason the mental self torture seems to have eased off a bit this morning. It might have something to do with finishing the course of steroids, although that's somewhat counter intuitive. I had a reasonable nights sleep, although I did have to have a morphine supplement before sleep finally came, and woke with a modicum of energy which is just beginning to run out at close to lunchtime.

Apart from my stomach playing up I'm having a reasonable day. Emotionally I'm in a bit of no mans land. The uncertainty is the problem, but what can I do about that?

No reason to change my X Factor predictions. Matt to win, Rebecca as number two. Matt does need to get away from songs written for female vocalists but once he does I am relatively confident he is going to waltz it. He was a little lacking in confidence last night compared to Rebecca, and that could, in the end, reverse my one two. 

The bottom two positions are, for now, the more fascinating territory. Wagner should have gone before now. Mary is just about clinging on.  Aiden is just not my cup of tea, Katie does not seem to be the cup of tea of the rest of the country. I think Cher has shown us everything she's got and it's just not enough.

Sunday 7th November

I can't remember the last time I just gave up the bulk of the day to the Sunday papers.  And there you go, the middle of the afternoon has arrived and I'm just putting down the last of them. 

Finally managed to get synchronisation for iBooks to work between iPad and iPhone. I kept reading that it should just work, like Whispersync for the Amazon app but it never did. I kept consulting the web, as I would do for any similar problem, but honestly what I was able to find was not clear or not that immediately helpful. The answer lies so it seems in the application settings on each device and ensuring that in those settings synchronisation is switched on. For the sake of clarity and for the record if someone comes across this answer through a search, I'm talking about the device level settings, then into the applications, the iBook application and then switching on synchronisation.

It was the wrong result in the X Factor; but it's going to feel wrong now on a weekly basis until Wagner goes. Pretty much the same argument applies to Strictly, substitute Ann Widdecombe for Wagner. And in the great scheme of things I very much enjoyed the final part of Downton Abbey. There is one thing that get's me these days when a good series ends and the announcer comes on and says.... blah, blah, blah, back next year. That's not a lot of good to me, now is it? I felt the same seeing the final Harry Potter film being held until July 2011. That's a long way off for me, I hope I can make that milestone!

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Some days are better than others....

Journal for Monday 25th October

Got off to a pretty ropey start to the week with an upset stomach followed by a bout of constipation which, fortunately, cleared by mid-morning. Walked the dogs and popped out to little Tesco. Boy do I have a glamourous life. 

Started one of my hobby purchases from yesterday, an Airfix model of a Spitfire. Commenced operations with a bit of painting. The paint they use these days seems pretty good, better than I remember anyway. I'm taking my time because I have lots of time but also to see if I have the patience to spend the time wisely and get it right. We will see. 

Received email that I really didn't want to get and has made me pretty upset, spoiling what was a good few days of upbeat mood. Oh well, such is life. What was it I wrote the other day? Oh, yes, the other shoe dropped. Big style!

Tuesday 26th October

The air fix modelling is actually going better than I thought it would. I have obviously developed a layer of patience that I didn't know I had. The damn thing actually looks like a Spitfire and I haven't dumped any of the parts as too fiddly.

Off to a better start this morning. Looking forward to visitors today and twitter "show and tell". "Show and tell" sounds better than teaching and is probably closer to the mark of what is going to happen.

My iPad stylus arrived today in the mail so I tried to do a bit of artwork with it. My other hobby purchase at the weekend was a step by step drawing book from "The Works" which was on a massive reduction in price. My first effort was an eagle which has turned out to look more like a dead parrot (as one kind friend put it) than an eagle. That said it's probably the nearest thing to artwork that I've ever managed. I need a stylus that's got more of a pen like nib. Might need a trip to Leicester and the Apple shop.

Popped out to get sugar and milk from little Tesco before visitors arrive. And they are out of sugar. How pants is that!! How can a Tesco shop run out of a staple like sugar? Makes no sense given the way they operate on technology and daily stock fills. I sound like a grumpy old man, LOL!

Twitter "show and tell" went really well I think. I did get a round of applause from my audience of two. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and my guests appeared to really appreciate the effort I had gone to. It certainly made my day go well. It's almost 4pm and I'm just kind of winding down from it and about to sit down with a well deserved cup of tea and my gadget magazine. I feel like I've been in the zone which I was talking about last week. I ought to see if I can offer the same course to a couple of colleagues, seems a shame to waste the preparation on one delivery. My guests also asked if I'd look at doing something similar with LinkedIn. That is definitely something I can look at after my chemotherapy session on Thursday. 

I know that I really have to do it, but I am so not looking forward to this round of chemotherapy. I think anyone who's had five sessions would probably have the same mixed feelings that I have. On the one hand you know that you need to do this as it's the best thing for you medically and the payback is the life extension it buys. The downside is that you know what's coming in terms of side effects. It's like standing up waiting to be run over by a truck. Which reminds me of an "It's a Knockout" game that used to make me roll around on the floor with tears of laughter running down my face. It was the game where the victim, wearing a blindfold, pushed a punchbag on a long rope at human targets set on plinths, guided by a team-mate shouting things like left, left, bit more left, fire. All well and good for firing but the hapless victim then has to stand there, arms open wide, unable to see because of the blindfold while the punchbag comes back and almost flattens him. He knows it's coming, he knows it's going to be a shock and that it's gonna hurt but he stands there and takes it anyway. That's how I'm feeling about my final session of chemotherapy!!!

A difficult conversation with Mum last night. Whilst she is not very religious she's convinced herself that all I need is faith and I will come through this. I guess we are at polar ends of this issue. Mum is at the faith end of the argument and I'm at the reality end of it and we need to meet somewhere in the middle. My attempt at the middle ground is my fight to beat the prognosis and give myself as much time as possible. Unfortunately Mum wants to believe that my fight will overcome, thus her argument is that essentially there is a miracle in my future. There is no middle ground she can reach for or that I can help her towards if she insists on maintaining her current beliefs. That's potentially going to make it hard for us later on down the line.    

Wednesday 27th October

On the news this morning one of the lead stories was a guy with either prostate cancer or testicular cancer who has had 67 chemotherapy treatments. That must have been hell on earth. Makes my whinging after six sessions look pathetic, although I suspect it wasn't 67 overnight sessions.

A busy day of appointments, starting with blood test first thing. Had a nice chat with the nurse, although she was on the side of not pushing for the final chemotherapy session if you thought several weeks of recovery were not worth the payback in terms of life extension. The unknown of course is what is the payback in terms of life extension. Who could possibly know that with any degree of certainty other than my oncologist perhaps and then it's only an educated guess. So although my position remains that I'm not looking forward to this final round of chemotherapy, I know I just have to face it and get on with it. I do believe that it will give me more than the 4 weeks it's going to take out of me. I have to believe that, I have no option now. And I have some faith that my oncologist would have steered me away from it if it was the wrong thing to do. The other killer argument is that I will never reach a point where I'll be saying I wonder what would have happened if I had taken that last round of chemotherapy.  

Meeting with my solicitor about putting my affairs in order and then on to see my oncologist. The meeting with the oncologist is the one in the schedule I always wonder about because he really has nothing to tell me as we have no new scan to review. At least I know he isn't going to drop my mood with another comment about improvements, or lack of, in the state of my tumours. I wonder if there is anything he can do for my taste buds, stomach (vomiting) or the constipation (caused by the morphine). This far in and having raised the issue a few times I suspect that there is nothing more he can do.   

Not much to report from oncology appointment other than the Doc said the constipation is likely to be the anti-emetic I'm on called Ondansetron, which I will be coming off post chemotherapy. This is really great news if it's correct and given that we have always thought it's the morphine which I won't be coming off anytime soon. Chemotherapy six is definitely on tomorrow.

I have been hankering after some pease pudding for while and finally found some in Morrisons so stopped on the way to the oncology appointment to pick some up. Had the best tasting meal I've had in ages as a result - Ham & fried eggs with chips and pease pudding. How very northern!!! 

Was pretty exhausted from being on the go all day without a nap. So although I felt dreadful at having to postpone a visit from an old friend today it was probably the right move. The annoying bit is I spend loads of time wishing I was a bit busier and then I get days which are just non stop. 

Thursday 28th

Chemotherapy day six. Up early to make flasks of shaved ice to bring with me to the hospital. I'm using my Little Snowie less and less of this as time goes on, but I've definitely had my money's worth out of it.

Arrived for my chemo in plenty of time but my room wasn't ready so had to wait in one of the rooms for day patients. Finally got into the room and needle inserted. The nurse could not get the drip to work properly so after some messing about the RMO came to resite the needle promising me that this would hurt. It didn't. The nurse then came back with a vitamin injection for the bum. That was ruddy painful.

For some reason the day is dragging. Tomato soup and a roll for lunch which I promptly threw up. Now feeling sorry for myself. Just want the day to be over. The afternoon just disappeared on me in a haze. Fell asleep until woken by visit. Fell back to sleep and slept through the night with the exception of disturbances to change the banana bags. The treatment finished about 4am, the needle removed but back to sleep until about 5:30am.

Friday 29th

Woke up at around 5:30am feeling cold, clammy and sick. Spent the rest of the time waiting for my lift home retching without actually being sick. Felt pathetically grateful just to get out of there and head home. Got unpacked and poodled around for a bit trying to wait for my stomach to settle a bit and to be tired enough for a nap.Had a hot shower, put on clean clothes and then napped on and off through the day. Feet feeling very cold so I am wearing two pairs of socks. Again the day feels like it's disappeared on me. 

My best friend has dipped her toe into water with Twitter and Blogging after the "show and tell" from earlier in the week. Very proud of her and a little bit proud of the help I was able to give to get her started. And then she up and wrote her first blog post as a tribute to me. You can read the post she made here...

http://heatherkitto.posterous.com/a-tribute

I wrote a tweet to say that at the end of the day we are defined by the friendships we have made along the way but that only goes part of the way to say how much my friendship with Heather means to me. I am not ashamed to say I cried when I read what had been written. There are many acquaintances that one makes in a lifetime but true friends are hard to come by and I have been very fortunate. I do have some wonderful friends who have been here for me from the moment my news got out. I hope you all know what a difference your support means to me and will mean to me over the coming weeks and months; and with a bit of luck, a following wind and my mum's forecast miracle, years.

Saturday 30th

Sleep cycle pretty shot from all the sleeping at hospital and possibly being back on the steroids. Anyway up at 2am-ish for a bit and wide awake at 5am-ish. Feel quite tired but surprisingly my head feels less mushy than I recall at this stage in previous cycles. Wonder if it will last? Lots of falling asleep in the chair during the day. 

Had yet a further evening nap but got up in time for Strictly and X Factor. On the X factor I don't think my favourite had his best week, but Matt still did enough to get through to next week. My second favourite, Rebecca, was stunning. And Cher finally showed some of what she has promised but so far failed to deliver. Interesting that she had to drop the rap to do so! Wagner and Aidan were my least favourite acts.

Sunday 31st

Have a feeling that fatigue is likely to be the order of the day and desperately hoping that my mood doesn't drop. Clocks have gone back, fortunately I only have a couple round the house that need to be done manually. I'd like to go to the Apple Shop in Leicester and see if I can sort out a decent stylus but other than that there isn't much that I have in mind for the day and frankly, the stylus could wait. 

Yes, fatigue definitely has a grip.

Ended up with a short trip to the local garden centre, more for the poodle than wanting anything at the garden centre. Back home, more sleep, some dinner, falling asleep in the chair. Feeling at a very low ebb, partly because I know how rotten the coming week is going to be. Time for bed. 

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