Journal for Monday 8th November
Slow start to the week. I've finished the course of steroids so I'm now pretty much down to my basic post chemotherapy medication routine; basically morphine and folic acid. I'm also on a short course of anti-biotics as I seem to have a minor eye infection - left eye is a little red in the corner and keeps leaking fluid which feels like and probably looks like I'm crying but I'm not.
I have a few visits lined up for this week. Am looking forward to them. This week is somewhat the calm before the storm. Next week I fear I have some difficult decisions to face, decisions I am not ready for, nor necessarily equipped to make. I am afraid because this is territory that has broken my spirit before. There is a horrible nagging doubt hanging over me because I cannot see even the short-term future of my health.
Tuesday 9th November
Panic over. I have had a Rolling Stones tune in my head for a couple of days which I couldn't quite remember or bring all the way back into consciousness. And, no, don't ask me to sing it, I have more respect for your ears. Found it finally this morning... "Gimme Shelter", what a great track! [Yes, it's the theme to Call of Duty - Black Ops]
Really enjoyed the Spooks end of season finale. And it was a finale rather than a cliffhanger, which is a better way to play it to my way of thinking, better than leaving us all wondering if someone shot or buried alive is going to make it from one series to the next - presumably in some cases it's a factor of the contractual negotiations with the actor - if they ask for too much money they run out of oxygen in the script, ask just right and miraculously the oxygen flows and they live. That's a bit cynical of me, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it. Thinking about it, Harry is in the cliffhanger role - will he survive the review or will he be thrown out for having given up a state secret. I wonder if I will be around to find out.
Wednesday 10th November
Super useless week continues. Trying not to feel sorry for myself, because that is just so unattractive and frankly a waste of time and energy. The missing link is what to focus on instead of the things that have been dragging me down. I am still in the zone of being fearful about what is coming and in some senses the funny part is that the fear is not about dying so much as it's about the unknown. Unlike most, who don't have time to think about the unknown, all I have right now is the time to think, which is not necessarily a good thing.
Wonderful visit from one of my most long standing friends. We spent a great hour or so catching up on recent events and what is going on in our lives. My story, of course, predominantly about the cancer. Sad to hear that someone I haven't seen in quite some time has a brain tumour.
Thursday 11th November
I am clearly somewhat better than I have been earlier in the week. Not back to my best yet but I feel that there is a little bit of gas in the tank. My back pain is pretty bad and I wake up most mornings feeling very stiff across my lower middle back. I'm hitting the pain with a bit of extra morphine just before bedtime. The issue that causes is that I'm a bit groggy or sleepy in the mornings. I'm worried that the pain isn't going to go away because it's the underlying tumours causing it, but I don't know if I'm making a valid connection or not. I'm fed up and frustrated with all the not knowing.
I'm not as past the fatigue as I was hoping. I have spent the morning in a haze again; falling in and out of sleep as I've sat in my chair. And I'm so fed up with it. I want it to be over and done with.
Friday 12th November
A busy day for me. If I was fully fit it probably would not seem like much but for me it was an "on the go" day.
Visit from a very special person today. I am blessed to have the very best of friends. The mark of a good natter is that time passes far too quickly and it's hard to remember what the topics were but you know you had a good time.
Saturday 13th November & Sunday 14th November
Marked by sleeping lots and vomiting more than considered normal in polite society. Indeed joke of the weekend was to create a list of places I have vomited in and therefore left my dying mark upon.
Feeling steadily more uneasy about the burden of my divorce and how I am going to cope mentally with it all this coming week. I'd make some joke about it being like a creeping cancer but that's not wholly appropriate under the circumstances, LOL!
Strictly Come Dancing still being spoilt by Anne Widdecombe, for the record nice lady, awful dancer. X Factor top two still Matt then Rebecca. If extending to a top three then tactically I think One Direction probably have it over Cher (more girl voters than boys). Was not sorry to see Aiden go, he really tortured his save me song, but marginally surprised to see him go before Katie. I thought Aiden's snippy, snotty attitude did him no favours once the vote was announced.
Monday 15th November
D-Week is here. Divorce Week. Pain and suffering ahead!
The legal conference with my barrister started the week. The system is grossly unfair when you are dying. The legal profession could do with taking a good hard look at how it works today and how it should work. The problem as I see it is a shortage of advocates for one of the groups of interested parties. We keep dying! How inconsiderate of us!!!
Tuesday 16th November
I was hoping for a couple of days off from divorce issues but no such luck. There always seems to be some complication that takes time to work out how to handle and then respond. I suspect my ex is not going through any of this aggro and I really need it to be over very soon.
Yesterday I was able to go through the day without sleeping, today has been a return to the "bad" old days of sleeping the day away. I went for a specific nap in the afternoon, but still kept falling asleep in the chair either side of that.
Wednesday 17th November
A relatively quiet day and just as well, because yet again it's been all about sleeping, although I'd call it more snoozing than sleeping. Popped to the shops this morning but got about 500 yards and had to get out of the car to throw up. Charming. As it looks like I have to go to court tomorrow I only hope I can avoid something like that if I am called on.
Thursday 18th November
My day in court. and a result. I am divorced and can finally put that all behind me and get on with my remaining days. It was an exceptionally long day of hanging around but it was worth it to get to a full and final settlement. My decree absolute is in effect and will be in my hands within five working days.
Managed to be sick in the car on the way home and then again once I got home. Not pleasant, and frankly getting boring.
Friday 19th November
Visit from best friend today and managed to get some jobs from her to keep me occupied next week. Strangely I am looking forward to it in the sense that chemotherapy is over, I should be starting to feel stronger and I am getting my life back to something like normal and there should be an absence of divorce stress from my life. I know I am going to have problems with energy levels but not as bad as this week hopefully. If only the vomiting would stop!
Saturday 20th November
A rough nights sleep. Having difficulty finding a comfortable position to lie in.
A difficult day, as my girlfriend would say. It's almost like the real me is somewhere else, taking a holiday, leaving this random bloke with zero personality who she doesn't know and who is being sick from time to time. She deserves a medal for putting up with me.
The X Factor was interesting. A not so good performance from Matt, and Cher came back strongly after a string of poor performances, Rebecca was as strong as ever. One Direction appeared to have some tuning problems. None of this changes my long standing predictions of Matt to win and Rebecca to come second. I'm wondering though if Cher will do enough in the last few weeks to beat One Direction to third spot. Wagner just so has to go home. Doing medley arrangements is giving him the opportunity to mangle many songs rather than just one. And he is absolutely delusional about his level of "talent". The judges seem reluctant to put him right, they need lessons from Craig Revel Horwood. Better week for Mary this week so my guess for the bottom two would be Wagner and Katie. There is some speculation that there is a lot of tactical voting going on in favour of Wagner to piss off Simon Cowell; if that is the case then Katie and Paije would be my bottom two.
Sunday 21st November
Another lousy start to the day. Started okay, but rapidly overcome with nausea and feeling sick. Getting awfully tired of this now. This is my time and it's the only time I'm going to get and I won't get this time back so I need to start feeling better real soon. I know it's only been three weeks and yes, I'm expecting a lot but that's in my nature.
It looks like my 50th birthday is going to clash with the Royal Wedding as the speculation appears to be for the couple to get married towards the end of April. Should help keep my birthday a low key thing - I've always hated being the centre of attention for things like my birthday.
Been to Ikea and Asda this afternoon. Thought I had managed to escape without being sick and promptly vomited in the car on the way home, fortunately into a sick bag. Tired and bored of the inevitability of it. That said I have been a bit more with it mentally today. Going to try and have a quick power nap for an hour to get through this evening without falling asleep in the chair. That's the plan anyway.
The X Factor bottom two was a bit of a surprise. First surprise that Wagner was not down there. And then that Cher was. I suppose once Wagner was not there, Paije was not a great surprise to me. Of the bottom two I would have sent Cher home, based on an awful "save me" performance but I can see why the show would send home Paije.
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