Journal for Monday 1st November
Sleep. Sleep. More sleep. Probably the worst fatigue that I've experienced. The day disappeared in a blur.
Tuesday 2nd November
Well, with a good nights sleep I feel a little better this morning. Not great but definitely more with it than yesterday. Have a gassy stomach which makes me feel a little uncomfortable but I'm hoping this will pass. Trying to work out what to do today, without success.
Great visit from close friend from work. Am clearly not back to my best yet because I felt tired very quickly, but it's great to see people or speak to people and feel connected to things outside the bubble of the house.
Wednesday 3rd November
Not best nights sleep and I have hit the part of post chemotherapy recovery where I don't know what to do with myself. I need to be careful not to overdo things because the gas tank isn't filling up properly and I didn't rest well towards the latter part of the night. I was up quite early with a little bit of energy then quickly exhausted myself and slept again.
My mind is a mess at the moment. I can't quieten it and it feels like peace is a long way away. I have feelings of anger but can't seem to express them. I have feelings of frustration but what can I do with them? It all feels a bit pointless. Managed to get out of the house for a quick trip to the supermarket to stock up on cheese on toast. How sad is that. I'm consigned to Fortisips meal supplements and cheese on toast. What's the point. Got back home and without warning was violently sick. Oh joy.
Spent a while working on a task this afternoon / evening for work, only to lose the project file due to a technical hitch. Luckily only a side of A4 but it was good, thoughtful output and I was definitely annoyed to lose it. That has caused me a bit of restlessness so I've got up in the middle of the night to re-do the work. In some senses I am glad from a point of view of state of mind to have done that and in other senses I can't believe I've just done that. I was always kind of like that before all the cancer stuff so perhaps I am behaving more normally that I am giving myself credit for.
Thursday 4th November
I seem to be stuck in philosophical mode at the moment, and probably spouting utter tripe, but it seems to go with the territory of post chemotherapy recovery. Something to do perhaps with the fact that I did my degree in a subject spelt only marginally different from philosophy. That really doesn't wash either does it. So that must be pure claptrap too. What is true is that I'm subject to the standard hierarchy of needs which aren't by any means being met, in the sense that I don't feel safe, and the result is mental discomfort. In an abstract way it's an interesting form of mental torture I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I feel that a lot is going to be asked of me over the next few days and certainly few weeks and that I am just not up to it. I know it's only a week since my last chemotherapy but I expect so much of myself, I always have. I'm so disappointed with myself over the amount of sleeping I am doing. It's emotionally painful every time I wake up in the chair, wondering where another couple of hours has disappeared too. I wonder what others are thinking about the extent to which I am just a useless burden.
I don't think anyone will be so keen to read my drivel this week. I know I wouldn't want to digest the sheer amount of negative energy it contains; can you imagine a book load of this tripe, LOL. I'll just pop it on the blog next week and run for cover.
Friday 5th November
The nature of time is on my mind. I guess I have an inkling why, but our human relationship with time is bothering me. Why does time pass so fast when you need it to crawl. As far as time is concerned I can't bring myself to believe I will be dead in less than a year. That seems so harsh, having gone through the trauma of chemotherapy for four months (I had to go back and check that, but this has been four months end to end). It's just struck me that this is the first time I have had to face death. I haven't been there, at the very end, for death in my family. I wonder now if that's helpful to my state of mind or not. It's another bone to chew on mentally and wind myself up with I guess.
I'm deleting more of this drivel that I am keeping at the moment. It's really to late to be concerned if others think I'm totally mad, everyone has the power not to read what I write. Nevertheless the drive to self-edit is compulsively high.
Saturday 6th November
For some reason the mental self torture seems to have eased off a bit this morning. It might have something to do with finishing the course of steroids, although that's somewhat counter intuitive. I had a reasonable nights sleep, although I did have to have a morphine supplement before sleep finally came, and woke with a modicum of energy which is just beginning to run out at close to lunchtime.
Apart from my stomach playing up I'm having a reasonable day. Emotionally I'm in a bit of no mans land. The uncertainty is the problem, but what can I do about that?
No reason to change my X Factor predictions. Matt to win, Rebecca as number two. Matt does need to get away from songs written for female vocalists but once he does I am relatively confident he is going to waltz it. He was a little lacking in confidence last night compared to Rebecca, and that could, in the end, reverse my one two.
The bottom two positions are, for now, the more fascinating territory. Wagner should have gone before now. Mary is just about clinging on. Aiden is just not my cup of tea, Katie does not seem to be the cup of tea of the rest of the country. I think Cher has shown us everything she's got and it's just not enough.
Sunday 7th November
I can't remember the last time I just gave up the bulk of the day to the Sunday papers. And there you go, the middle of the afternoon has arrived and I'm just putting down the last of them.
Finally managed to get synchronisation for iBooks to work between iPad and iPhone. I kept reading that it should just work, like Whispersync for the Amazon app but it never did. I kept consulting the web, as I would do for any similar problem, but honestly what I was able to find was not clear or not that immediately helpful. The answer lies so it seems in the application settings on each device and ensuring that in those settings synchronisation is switched on. For the sake of clarity and for the record if someone comes across this answer through a search, I'm talking about the device level settings, then into the applications, the iBook application and then switching on synchronisation.
It was the wrong result in the X Factor; but it's going to feel wrong now on a weekly basis until Wagner goes. Pretty much the same argument applies to Strictly, substitute Ann Widdecombe for Wagner. And in the great scheme of things I very much enjoyed the final part of Downton Abbey. There is one thing that get's me these days when a good series ends and the announcer comes on and says.... blah, blah, blah, back next year. That's not a lot of good to me, now is it? I felt the same seeing the final Harry Potter film being held until July 2011. That's a long way off for me, I hope I can make that milestone!
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