Before I get started, I just had to tell you a great joke I heard this week. Things you don't want to hear in hospital: Yes, I'm afraid it's the Big C. You were standing by the side of Curry's when the Big C fell off and hit you on the head!
I fell about when I heard it. If you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm afraid the waiting has made some gallows humour kick in a bit.
It's all about the waiting at the moment. I saw the GP on Friday, but only because I was running out of morphine. He signed off on so much morphine that I had to fill in the controlled substances box on the prescription form in the chemists for the first time ever. I have the feeling he was probing my psychological state before prescribing me that much of a controlled drug. I guess that's fair enough and something we'd all really think is a sensible precaution just before a large quantity of a lethal drug is handed out.
He did ask me one question that has made been on and off my mind since he mentioned it. He asked me if I was ready for a diagnosis of lung cancer. I think the context for his question was me telling him that I've not really had that much of an emotional reaction since the day of the diagnosis, or C-day as my girlfriend calls it. Of course I was shocked on C-day. There were any number of emotions swirling around in the immediate aftermath of the announcement. But one emotion I haven't yet done is anger and I think it's kind of expected that I'm going to do anger at some stage. So I think he was checking my preparedness or readiness to hear the worst of all possible outcomes when I get the biopsy results on Tuesday. The trouble is my mind has now got me thinking he already knew the outcome - because for other reasons I believe my case was discussed at a case conference on Thursday at Northampton General Hospital. So I'm putting two and two together to make five. I'm sure it's form that the chest specialist tells me the outcome of the biopsy, so I don't get to hear what the result is until tomorrow (Tuesday) but sometimes when I turn it over in my mind I think he already knew. Then again, he asked me questions and made other comments that suggested he didn't know.
And there lies the problem with waiting. The longer you wait, the more your mind fills in the gaps.
Tomorrow is D-day. Diagnosis day. Well, it might be, because all I might find out is that the tests so far are inconclusive and further tests are needed. I'm going to need something to take my mind of the waiting if all I'm facing tomorrow is more waiting.
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